It has been a Monday, all day. I had a challenging and busy weekend, which made me tired and a little silly today so have not been able to sit and write anything sensible. Being too tired to do anything else, I read the tool ads which came in the mail today. So, if you know me, I am about to let you see the weird side of me. Remember, as the great philosopher Kermit the Frog says, "It's not easy being green" and that's my color I always make when I take the stupid "What Color Are You" test. So come on in, have a seat, grab a coke and see what happens.
Now, you have to use your imagination and if you know a lot about tools and such, just forget it and go with me, OK? These are the items that caused me to scratch my head and wonder, what in the world?
Heavy Duty Hand Truck - what do you do with a "hand" truck? Why would anyone need a truck to haul hands? Do they come unattached to the arms and the bodies? I guess they only haul BIG hands, for it said it is heavy duty. So, all you people who haul hands, hurry and get this heavy duty hand truck.
Reversible Air Screwdriver - I have a few questions about this. I thought you used a screwdriver to put screws in, not reverse them and why would you want to screw something in "air?" Wouldn't seem to hold many screws if it's just air.
Super Duty Air Hammer - Another "air" tool. I find it highly amusing that you also want to hammer air as well as put screws into it. With air being so light and all, why would you need to buy a "Super Duty" air hammer? I guess it would be for "heavy" air.
Long Reach Air Scraper - It is simply amazing what you can do with air. You can scrape it also. You can put in screws, hammer it and scrape it. Now I don't know where this air is, but I do believe it would be a tad hard to breathe or evidently reach, since you need a "long" reacher.
Air Hose Reel - I assume this goes with the long reach air scraper so you can reel it in if you reach too far in the air. I gotta see this air, anyone know where I can find some?
8" Four-Way Crimping tool - I have heard of six-ways for Sunday and half-a-dozen, but if you need to crimp or crump something four ways, this is your tool. It's also 8 inches long, so you won't have to get too close to crimp it. This would be some heavy duty crimping if you do it all four ways.
Powder Coating System - Now how in the world you gonna coat something with powder? That stuff flies all over everywhere when you try to coat something with it. I guess you will have to give whatever you are trying to coat a good spray with a grease gun to get it to stick.
7 Piece Nut Driver Set - Actually you only need one driver to drive you nuts if they are trying to put on makeup, drink coffee, and talk on the cell phone while driving. Then there are the male nuts who talk on the cell phone, read the newspaper and check out the women in the car next to them. The ones who drive me crazy are the ones who text on their cell phones and drive. 7 of them would cause big time chaos on the interstate!
Pancake Compressor - This one just blows my mind. I try all my cooking tricks to make light, fluffy pancakes, so why in the world would you spend $99.99 to compress them? Can you imagine what they would taste like all mashed flat? Why IHOP would go out of business if you brought in one of these things.
Plumber's Brush - I assume this is a brush for plumbers, so all you electricians and carpenters leave these alone unless you are bi-skilled and can plumber also. The Brush police might be watching, so be careful.
4- 50 pound Monkey Hooks - Be careful if your monkey weighs over 50 lbs. for you may need to get a heavier hook and be sure to get more than 1 pack if you have more than 4 monkeys, for I doubt they will hold 2 monkeys.
Rollaway Tool Bag - If you buy one of these, be sure and get a leash to keep it close by since it might roll away. Wouldn't it be easier just to get one that won't roll away from you?
Palm Sander - This is for all you hard working men who have callused palms. Be sure and get one of these to keep those palms all soft and nice to hold. You might want to use that grease gun along with the sander to be sure and moisturize after sanding.
Variable Speed Hammer Drill - This one confuses me, easy to do, for how can you hammer and drill? I think I'm correct in that a drill makes a hole, so what would you hammer in it? I guess you could hammer in a round peg and be sure that you vary the speed.
Windmill Mole Chaser - This must be quite a sight to see - a windmill chasing a mole. I kinda thought windmills stood still in one spot and above ground, so I sure would like to see one that can chase those little moles, for they mostly stay underground. Can't you just see what a mess that windmill would make chasing those little moles under your yard? By the way, is their wind underground to power one of these windmills?
Trunk Organizer - This is for all you elephants to keep your trunks nice and tidy.
Dead Blow Hammer - This is the tool you need when you feel like murdering someone - it's guaranteed to kill them dead with one blow.
Greenhouse - This ad is false advertising, for it is clear glass and not green glass, so how can it be a "green"house? Can I sue, everybody else does?
All-Terrain Tricycle - This is a "must" for future "boggers" and hunters. It will start your little one training for their future on a safe tricycle before they use the big four-wheelers and the trucks with the great big wheels. Can't be too safe when training to "bog". This will also be wonderful for the little darlings who insist on riding their trikes through the pasture, chasing the cows.
Cycle Tree - If you want an unusual Christmas tree, you might want to get one of these and begin collecting all kind of cycles to decorate it with - tricycles, bicycles, unicycles, motor cycles - you get the picture. Need to start now, for Christmas will be here before you know it.
Pocket Blow Guns - Use this to keep you pockets blown out. You don't want a pocket full of little lint bunnies.
Three Head Rechargeable Shaver - now you've heard of the Big Head, well this is for the Three Headed Men - one shaver with 3 heads.
Rolling Knee Pads - this is for crawling babies so they don't have to scrape their knees. Just attach these nice rolling knee pads and watch that little rascal scoot all over the house.
Mover's Dollies - Get them while they are available - all you movers now have your own dollies - you can leave your daughter's alone, for now you have one.
Stubby Hammers - Hammer for stubby people with stubby hands. Now a hammer to fit your hands.
Now I have saved the best for last. I will only list this one and let your imagination do the rest. This is for all you strong and might men out there -
70 Piece Stainless Steel Nuts
Nuff said,
The Georgia Peach
Now, you have to use your imagination and if you know a lot about tools and such, just forget it and go with me, OK? These are the items that caused me to scratch my head and wonder, what in the world?
Heavy Duty Hand Truck - what do you do with a "hand" truck? Why would anyone need a truck to haul hands? Do they come unattached to the arms and the bodies? I guess they only haul BIG hands, for it said it is heavy duty. So, all you people who haul hands, hurry and get this heavy duty hand truck.
Reversible Air Screwdriver - I have a few questions about this. I thought you used a screwdriver to put screws in, not reverse them and why would you want to screw something in "air?" Wouldn't seem to hold many screws if it's just air.
Super Duty Air Hammer - Another "air" tool. I find it highly amusing that you also want to hammer air as well as put screws into it. With air being so light and all, why would you need to buy a "Super Duty" air hammer? I guess it would be for "heavy" air.
Long Reach Air Scraper - It is simply amazing what you can do with air. You can scrape it also. You can put in screws, hammer it and scrape it. Now I don't know where this air is, but I do believe it would be a tad hard to breathe or evidently reach, since you need a "long" reacher.
Air Hose Reel - I assume this goes with the long reach air scraper so you can reel it in if you reach too far in the air. I gotta see this air, anyone know where I can find some?
8" Four-Way Crimping tool - I have heard of six-ways for Sunday and half-a-dozen, but if you need to crimp or crump something four ways, this is your tool. It's also 8 inches long, so you won't have to get too close to crimp it. This would be some heavy duty crimping if you do it all four ways.
Powder Coating System - Now how in the world you gonna coat something with powder? That stuff flies all over everywhere when you try to coat something with it. I guess you will have to give whatever you are trying to coat a good spray with a grease gun to get it to stick.
7 Piece Nut Driver Set - Actually you only need one driver to drive you nuts if they are trying to put on makeup, drink coffee, and talk on the cell phone while driving. Then there are the male nuts who talk on the cell phone, read the newspaper and check out the women in the car next to them. The ones who drive me crazy are the ones who text on their cell phones and drive. 7 of them would cause big time chaos on the interstate!
Pancake Compressor - This one just blows my mind. I try all my cooking tricks to make light, fluffy pancakes, so why in the world would you spend $99.99 to compress them? Can you imagine what they would taste like all mashed flat? Why IHOP would go out of business if you brought in one of these things.
Plumber's Brush - I assume this is a brush for plumbers, so all you electricians and carpenters leave these alone unless you are bi-skilled and can plumber also. The Brush police might be watching, so be careful.
4- 50 pound Monkey Hooks - Be careful if your monkey weighs over 50 lbs. for you may need to get a heavier hook and be sure to get more than 1 pack if you have more than 4 monkeys, for I doubt they will hold 2 monkeys.
Rollaway Tool Bag - If you buy one of these, be sure and get a leash to keep it close by since it might roll away. Wouldn't it be easier just to get one that won't roll away from you?
Palm Sander - This is for all you hard working men who have callused palms. Be sure and get one of these to keep those palms all soft and nice to hold. You might want to use that grease gun along with the sander to be sure and moisturize after sanding.
Variable Speed Hammer Drill - This one confuses me, easy to do, for how can you hammer and drill? I think I'm correct in that a drill makes a hole, so what would you hammer in it? I guess you could hammer in a round peg and be sure that you vary the speed.
Windmill Mole Chaser - This must be quite a sight to see - a windmill chasing a mole. I kinda thought windmills stood still in one spot and above ground, so I sure would like to see one that can chase those little moles, for they mostly stay underground. Can't you just see what a mess that windmill would make chasing those little moles under your yard? By the way, is their wind underground to power one of these windmills?
Trunk Organizer - This is for all you elephants to keep your trunks nice and tidy.
Dead Blow Hammer - This is the tool you need when you feel like murdering someone - it's guaranteed to kill them dead with one blow.
Greenhouse - This ad is false advertising, for it is clear glass and not green glass, so how can it be a "green"house? Can I sue, everybody else does?
All-Terrain Tricycle - This is a "must" for future "boggers" and hunters. It will start your little one training for their future on a safe tricycle before they use the big four-wheelers and the trucks with the great big wheels. Can't be too safe when training to "bog". This will also be wonderful for the little darlings who insist on riding their trikes through the pasture, chasing the cows.
Cycle Tree - If you want an unusual Christmas tree, you might want to get one of these and begin collecting all kind of cycles to decorate it with - tricycles, bicycles, unicycles, motor cycles - you get the picture. Need to start now, for Christmas will be here before you know it.
Pocket Blow Guns - Use this to keep you pockets blown out. You don't want a pocket full of little lint bunnies.
Three Head Rechargeable Shaver - now you've heard of the Big Head, well this is for the Three Headed Men - one shaver with 3 heads.
Rolling Knee Pads - this is for crawling babies so they don't have to scrape their knees. Just attach these nice rolling knee pads and watch that little rascal scoot all over the house.
Mover's Dollies - Get them while they are available - all you movers now have your own dollies - you can leave your daughter's alone, for now you have one.
Stubby Hammers - Hammer for stubby people with stubby hands. Now a hammer to fit your hands.
Now I have saved the best for last. I will only list this one and let your imagination do the rest. This is for all you strong and might men out there -
70 Piece Stainless Steel Nuts
Nuff said,
The Georgia Peach
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