Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wednesday's Musings


Good evening. Ya'll come on in and have a seat on the front porch. I have a nice breeze right now, but I think it is about to rain again. There is a low rumble of thunder off to the north so we may not be able sit out here long.

By the way, does anybody have Noah's address, phone number or email address. We need those plans that God gave him to build an ark. Not sure about getting all those animals aboard, but we are about to float away down here in South Georgia. You know there are no hills down here except the overpass over the interstate and all the drainage ditches are full so we have a lot of standing water. You know how plants turn yellow if too dry, well my poor cucumbers are turning yellow from too much rain, poor dears.

All this rain is not doing the peach crop any good either for they will develop brown rot and have brown spots on them that rot quickly. All this rain makes them less sweet also and my blueberry bushes are going to float right up out of the ground and wave bye as the float down the ditch. Rain, rain go away for a little while, please.

Well I went to the Tooth Mechanic this morning. You remember Dr. Jekyll? He completed implanting those screws in my mouth and now I have to go to Dr. Mechanic for the teeth. I didn't know what to expect and now I am glad I didn't for these screws in my mouth would most likely have stayed empty - no teeth on them.

This tooth mechanic has a lovely office and sweet staff and you are just lulled into peace and joy as you are escorted to the pretty room. Now you begin to get an inkling of what is about to happen when the nice assistant begins to place the wrenches, the screwdrivers and pliers on the nice, little sterile tray. Of course they are small, shiny and not greasy, but still are tools used by car mechanics.

Then comes the little screws and wires assembled on the little tray. Now he did a real nice job arranging them all nice and neatly and side-by-side like little soldiers, but still looked a little like they were going to work on metal, not my mouth. Of course they had a TV set at the foot of this nice, soft recliner I was reclining in to take my mind off what could possibly happen, but it didn't work. I began to grow a little uneasy as the moments ticked by.

As I began to wonder if I really wanted these teeth, the nice Dr. Mechanic came in and with a soft voice asked how I was doing. Now what in the heck am I supposed to say? Of course you answer, "I'm fine and how are you and your family, your mama, your daddy, and all the rest." Remember, in the south you must always answer politely even if you are about to have a dreadful procedure done on your mouth. After all if you sass the nice doctor, Mama will look down and frown from heaven and I don't think I want her to tell the good Lord how I sassed the doctor. He is in charge of the lightning and those bolts could hurt a tad if He decided to throw one. Mama can be very persuasive.

The assistant began to lower the nice lounge chair and lean my head down so the nice man could sit on his little stool and destroy my mouth. This head down position is torture for those of us who suffer from sinus drainage so through all this I am about to choke to death. Wonder why he can't stand up and do his torture?

Now the fun begins. He first explains he usually does this procedure without any pain relief but if it begins to hurt raise my hand. Raise my hand? They are clinching the arms of that lounge chair so tightly you couldn't pry them loose with a crowbar. I bet he has one of those too since he has all those other tools.

"Open wide please," he says as he is poised to mangle my mouth and like a little bird, I opened my mouth and about got lock-jaw before they let me close it. The sinus drainage was just a running, the jaw was locked and he was using a torque wrench and cutting pliers all in my mouth. Talk about fun, it was just about more than I could stand. The only problem was, he was having the fun and I was having the drowning, lock-jaw experience.

I thought he was finished when he stood up but no, no, no. He asked his assistant to mix up some plastic, rubbery goop and make impressions. They took a grease gun and squirted this gooey goop in my mouth, put in a metal tray and told me to not swallow or bite down for 3 minutes. 3 minutes seemed like 3 hours later they took this hardened goop out of my mouth and did 2 more. By that time I felt like a rubber mold.

After all this, do you think they gave me my new teeth? Not on your life, I have to wait a month to get these suckers. They just told me what a good patient I was, charged me a whole bunch of money and told me to come back in a month. If fact when she told me the amount of money I couldn't even write the check for I didn't know how to write one for that much.

Oh well, I guess I asked for it. I did begin this experience so I could chew on both sides not just one. Trying to eat steak with 4 missing teeth is kinda tough, even if the steak is not.

Nuff said,

The Georgia Peach

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