What do I do now that my Roy, the love of my life for more than 50 years has gone to his heavenly home? He has been an essential part of my life since I was 19 - friend, buddy, lover, husband, companion and on and on. Without him I feel incomplete so what now?
My sweet sister-in-law, Roy's sister Minta, told me when we found out Roy had cancer that I set the tone for how we should live and take care of Roy for his last days. Many have told me how strong I am and I realized that it was important that I stay strong and dependable but it has been and is very difficult at times. How do I continue to be the "strong one"?
My strength has come and continues to come from my personal relationship with God through Jesus my Savior. The strength is always there for me but I know I have to stay in touch with Him through prayer and studying the Bible and there are times that this just takes too much strength which I don't have. So what do I do? For me it is remembering the past and continuing traditions.
For both of us, the beach was a special place of restoration, healing and contentment and a few days after the funeral, I went to Jekyll Island for a few days to remember the good times we had there together. I stayed in the same motel, walked the beach, ate at our favorite restaurant and cried, laughed and remembered. It strengthened me and helped me grieve.
Thanksgiving was spent at Lakepoint State Park Lodge for the last 5 years and our children and Roy's sister joined us when they could. It is peaceful and beautiful with a delicious buffet for Thanksgiving dinner and we always had a good time. Last year he struggled physically due to the Parkinson's but enjoyed every minute. This year we returned and enjoyed each other and remembered those good times. Tears were shed for we missed Roy so much but the memories were sweet as we talked about him, how much he loved us and how much we love him. Next year we will continue for it was a good time for all of us and helped with the grief process.
Christmas is coming and we will try to celebrate like we always do. Family comes when they can but due to work schedules, we won't be here all at the same time but that is how it has been through the years. We celebrated when they could come and missed them when they couldn't but had each other and that was enough. Without Roy, it will be very difficult but we will celebrate the birth of our Lord and think about him celebrating and worshipping with the Lord in heaven.
What next? Day by day, sometimes hour by hour, we will go forward. As I write this, tears are falling down my face but that is OK for I am grieving and I need to cry. Tears are healing and relieves some of the pain for my heart seems to be breaking into little pieces at times. How to keep going?
Continue to cry out to the Lord, stay busy with daily routine tasks, and I find that writing my feelings down helps me to cope. Lonely? All of the time for I have lost my friend and it is so quiet. Cleaning the house, crocheting, knitting, reading and playing word games on the Internet help me to make it through the day and I know it will become easier.
My prayer is that God will show me my new future and how I can serve Him and others. I know He will for He promised that His rod and staff will protect me and He has prepared a table before me that has all that I need and more.
Keep praying with me and I know the future will be joyful but I sure do miss "my Roy". It came time for my to stop being selfish and let him go Home and I know it is better for him and us.
As I keep going, walk with me.