Monday, March 8, 2010

Intimate Garments




Hi, ya'll. Come on in and have some coffee with us. We are having a lazy night for I am TIRED. I began my spring housecleaning today with sweeping down the shutters, the windows and the window screens on the porch windows. They are now ready to be washed and polished and made to shine. When I got through, Roy had to help me to the bed, bring me 3 ibuprofen, for I couldn't straighten my back. This proves the point that I will have to do a little bit at the time or go hire a window washer and I have a good idea I will doing a bit at the time.


You know I have decided to lose some of this excess poundage I am hauling around on my body. It seems to have settled mostly in the stomach and hips and I am blaming my genetics from my mama's side of the family for this problem. You see, most of the females, women, ladies and girls (I think that gets all of them) are a tad on the fluffy side with big stomachs and hips. We are categorized as "pear shaped" versus the apple shapes and the stick shapes. It must be that good Scottish and Irish heritage of eating too many potatoes and good Irish bread.


Whatever, it is a struggle and after a week of starving to death, writing down everything I ate and counting my WW points, I lost 2 whole pounds. It was enough to make me get the frozen brownies out of the freezer and eat one while it was still frozen. Now don't get your panties in a wad, for I know 2 pounds are what you should lose per week but I am ADD, ADHD, and BADD which means I want it now, yesterday and instantly. Patience is not my middle name or one of my virtues.

Now to get to the point of all this rhetoric - I went and bought me some body shapers, control top panty hose and tummy control panties. Weeel, when I put on the body shaper and the control top panty hose I felt like all the air in my lungs had been pushed right out of my body and I could not inhale any. It felt like I had been stuffed in sausage casings and when I looked down, that's what it looked like.

I think it may be one of the laws of physics or some other kind of weird science, that when you squeeze one area it moves it down and up. To put it bluntly, I had a new and larger roll above the waist, and rolls below just above the knees and I could not breath so had a blue face. On the positive side, I was able to put on my skirt and not pop the elastic. On the negative side, any exertion brought on hyper-ventilation for I couldn't take a deep breath. By the time I had climbed the steps to the choir room, I couldn't sing for I had no breath. I thought I was about to embarrass myself big time by having the vapours and I didn't have my smelling salts. For all you younger people or those from the Nawth, I felt like I was about to faint and didn't have any ammonia to make me gasp for breath.

The next problem was I had to go down the steps and up to the choir loft but it didn't seem to cause as big a problem as climbing up the steps. It took only about 5 minutes for my face to return to pink and I could at least sing by the second song. What an embarrassment to pass out in the choir, at church worship, in front of everybody for wearing a body shaper and control top panty hose.

Now, I have come to a conclusion. These instruments of torture are the present day chastity belts and birth control. By the time you have peeled these garments off, caught your breath, and your face return to pink, the moment of romance is gone bye bye. Also the picture of you trying to get this sausage casing off your body is a maneuver which would erase all romantic thoughts your man ever had. When all that came off and you ballooned back to your original, fluffy self, I think he will have forgotten what he wanted to begin with.


If you are not familiar with the undergarments I am referring to, I have a few pictures to prove my point. You can go from the minimal to the maximum covering so here are a few.



This is one of the least but still rather constricting and will give you additional rolls around the knees.

Now this one is the maxi-mode and it will help you avoid the rolls around the knees but may cause rolls around the ankles. You just have to inhale, pull, tug and struggle to get it on and see.



This a newer model and may be a little easier to tug on but I think this one may ease on up your body and may be pushing your bust line higher if you don't catch it first.



Now men, we don't want to leave you out for many of you have the same problems we women have and let me give you a hint, we don't like the rolls hanging over the belt anymore than you like to see our thunder thighs so here is your "torture garment." We don't want ya'll to feel unloved and unwanted.

Wow, I bet you didn't plan on having a lecture about undergarments tonight, did you? By now you should know when you stop by my Net Porch you never know what I am going to talk about. Now my grandmother is having a hissy fit up in heaven for I have talked about underwear, birth control and bust lines but maybe she won't convince the Powers that Be to send a bolt of lightning and strike me speechless. Love you grandmother. That used to work so lets see. Of course, granddaddy is over there laughing at her but she'll shush him soon enough.

Nuff said,

The Georgia Peach
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