Monday, February 21, 2011

Elegant Southern Redneck Wedding




Good Monday morning to ya'll. Come on up to the 'Net Porch and have some sweet iced tea for it is warm, sunny, and wonderful outside. Great day to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine and gather some vitamin D and a tan. I have to re-pot some house plants a neighbor shared with me and hope they won't die from under watering or over watering for I tend to overdo one or the other. Green thumb I have not but maybe all five brown fingers.

I hope ya'll are not expecting a recipe today for I am tapped out on cooking right now. A buttermilk pound cake is on the schedule for one day this week and I will share that with you later on. Planning on having leftover roast and potatoes for lunch and maybe some field peas with snaps. Whatever it will be won't require a lot of cooking.

Saturday night I was searching for something to watch on TV and with over 100 channels I couldn't find a thing that looked interesting. Becoming desperate for some entertainment I found the Big Redneck Weddings shows and thought maybe that would be good for a few laughs. Well, much to my surprise it was worth more than a few laughs but a whole bunch. I couldn't believe that people would really go to those lengths to be on TV but after watching several weddings and listening to their conversations I came to a new conclusion about Redneck weddings and the following receptions.

These weddings were most personal for the people involved and they reflected the personalities of the couple, their friends and families. Now I'm not sure these weddings will make the society pages of the local newspaper and the Bride's magazine but they sure had a good time getting ready for the wedding and the ceremony and reception that followed. Kinda got my wheels to spinning and my thoughts awhirling about some weddings I could help plan down here in south Georgia. See what you think and if you need my advice, just call or email me and I will be glad to be your wedding consultant for an elegant Redneck wedding.

The first thing you have to do is set the date. There are several schedules you will have to check and these are: hunting season, NASCAR racing, SEC and local football, and dirt track racing. There are others but these are the most important for nothing interferes with these schedules except death and the funeral can be planned around these events also. You can schedule you wedding during a NASCAR race but be sure and have a big screen tv for the crowd to watch during the ceremony and reception. It would be a trifle loud but just talk louder and get it over with quickly or you are liable to loose the attention of the crowd.

After you select a date you need to find a place to hold the nuptials. The local church would be a good idea if they allow country music, beer in the fellowship hall and flag of Dixie over the front door. If you use the church we will need to borrow all your grandmother's ferns and strip the local roadside of kudzu to decorate with. If we are lucky, the wisteria will be blooming and maybe some magnolia blossoms for accents to make it quite elegant and classy. We can drape that kudzu over most anything but we will need to be careful and not let it touch any dirt for it will root and cover the church in about a week.

It may be an impossibility to get the church for I think the flag and beer might put a kink in it, so what are the options? Well the back yard, the cow pasture, the race track, down by the river, the front yard (cleared of all cars on blocks) or maybe the mud bogging pasture. Try to be selective in consideration of your guests for some of these locations may have a few hazards. You don't want your guests to have to scrape mud and other stuff off their shoes and rubber boots are just not acceptable for a big wedding.

Most cow pastures have cows and they leave gifts for you to step in and they don't smell too good. The back and front yards of your home would be a good choice if you remove all the cars on blocks, find the lost lawn mower and take the trash to the dump. You will need to mow the yard and bale the hay, trim the shrubbery unless you need to leave it long to cover up hole in the wall and it would help to borrow a bunch of folding lawn chairs. You might haul in a bunch of logs and lay them on the ground for your guests to sit on and then you could use them for the bonfire to roast the hotdogs and marshmallows for the reception. Just remember to pick the prettiest and easiest spot to gussy up and beautify.

Now we get to the wedding attire. I would recommend a short dress for the bride since it will most likely be held outside. Now don't get it too short or all the old men will have too much fun trying to look under it and have a heart attack but short enough to show off those new tattoos you got with your new husband's name. I know you want to show those off for they are quite elegant and a little big since you had to hide the other husband's name. That tattoo man is getting really good at redoing names isn't he? A short, red dress with white high heels will look really good and red doesn't show beer stains or get in the way of the clogging and square dancing that follows the wedding.

The groom's attire is easy - camouflage with a bow tie!! Be sure the bow tie's color matches the bride's dress so they won't clash for that would be terrible. Also be sure the camouflage has been washed, starched and ironed for you want to look your very best not like you just came out of the woods after a deer hunt. In fact, I would prefer you get a new set for you want to look your best. The boots need to be polished and laced up for your bride will expect you to look handsome and elegant. Remember, 1 day all dressed up won't kill you.

As far as the mamas and other family members are concerned just persuade them not to wear Daisy Duke shorts and halter tops for this is a solemn occasion. They will need to hopefully find a dress that does not show their boobs and booties for you want the bride to be the main star of this shindig. Big hair is acceptable and be sure and have extra hair spray and bobby pins to make it even bigger right before the ceremony for the bride and her family for bigger is always better.

Now for the reception. Hot dogs,marshmallows, barbecue, Twinkies, potato chips, fried chicken and watermelon are a must. The wedding cake made from Krispy Kreme donuts is a real hit and be sure to use KK for they are best and you can find those down at the local 7-11. For the topper, you can use the bridal bouquet we made from the marigolds and petunias. It will look really pretty. The groom's cake should be a cake made from layers of moon pies and be sure and have some RC Cola to go with it. The last one I saw made like this had over 100 moon pies and it was gorgeous. You can drizzle some chocolate frosting over it and you got a winner.

Now I don't drink beer, rather have sweet iced tea or coca cola, but if you insist, be sure and get a good brand. You don't want to embarrass your family by finding the cheapest beer at the Sam's club and pretend it is an expensive brand. Just go ahead and spring for the Miller's and enjoy.

For the punch just get everybody to bring their favorite flavor of Kool Aid, have a big washtub ready with ice water and a big block of ice in the center and pour and stir. I would stay away from too much strawberry and grape mixed together for that gets a little muddy looking. To make it a little more elegant, throw in some frozen Popsicles to add a little interest and beauty. If you really want to gussy it up, you can add some Mountain Dew to make it fizz a little.

Now don't worry about the honeymoon for you might as well as go on to the house and just save that money for a down payment on a new pickup truck or 4 wheeler. Remember, you will need a bigger 4 wheeler now to carry the new wife and the kids. After all, family time together in the woods, bogging, or the race track is needed for a close family.

There are several other details we will need to work out so just call me and make an appointment to discuss these. I would advise you to get a spiral notebook and some good sharp pencils and begin to keep lists of what you need to do and good calendar from the local funeral home to schedule all the tasks. We want to be organized so we won't forget any of the details. By the way, when you go by the funeral home to get the calendar, get a bunch of fans to use to keep the gnats away during the ceremony.

Ya'll be careful going home and come back to see me.

Nuff said,

The Georgia Peach

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