AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. VIRUS 

(This comes with a warning - if you don’t like sarcasm, don’t read!)

April 11, 2020

Dear Mr. Corona Virus,

This is to let you know it is time for you to go away, get lost, vamoose, or scram.  You are no longer welcome here in this world.   “Social Distancing”, Quarantine, Stay At Home, orders are a real pain in the buttocks.  You think you have the world by the tail and it seems that way at the present time but I don’t like it. This is all your fault so please vamoose. 

Why am I so upset? Weeell, let me give you a clue.  I cannot get in my car and go anywhere I want to without a stupid looking mask on my face.  When I arrive at the grocery store (about the only place we can go) I have to be sure my mask is in place, gloves on my hands or sanitizing wipes clenched tightly in my hand to wipe every surface before touch it, and look around for people so that I can  6’ away from them. Some, I don’t mind because warm weather can bring out odors on some people.  By the way, Mr. Virus, this is everybody, even my close friends and neighbors.  Do you think this is the way we act in South Georgia?  We have to hug, pat on the back, and ask about their mamas and them.  That is difficult to do standing 6’ away without shouting and do we really want everybody to know that mama is losing her mind with all the viruses going around or that the grandchildren are driving their parents insane ? You may air your “dirty laundry” in public but our Southern mamas taught us differently.  We only whisper it to our best friends and swear them to secrecy.  

This situation is also keeping me from going to Walmart except EARLY in the morning and I don’t do “early morning”. ! I have to go to Walmart for my entertainment!  Where else can I go and see strange people acting weirdly.  It is also where I see all my friends and I can’t hug them so why see them? By the way, Walmart is the only place in town I can buy fishing worms and that is the only recreation I have right now so please move on so I can go to Walmart again at a decent time and hug all my friends. I need to catch up on all the news (gossip). 

The most irritating of all restrictions and  why I am  grumpy, whiny, put-out, angry, and about to throw a “hissy fit” is that I cannot go to the beach.  You see, you nincompoop, because of you and people acting stupidly and gathering in bunches during Spring Break on the Florida beaches, the governor shut them all down.  Now I cannot walk on the beach until I calm down and you should see what this is doing to my tan.  IT IS ALMOST GONE!! I look older without my brown fat?  White fat is awful looking so go away.

Speaking of “looks”, Mr. Virus, I need a haircut badly for it takes me more than 5 minutes to blow-dry my hair and that is unacceptable.  I am gaining weight, so soon my clothes will be too small and I can’t blame it on the dryer any longer.  Someone has to eat the snacks before they become stale, right?  Cooking from scratch is a bummer and though it tastes great, there go some more pounds on the hips.  You need to exit the world before we all look like the Goodyear blimp with long hair. 

You have turned me into thinking wisely most of the time and I’m tired of being nice.  I want to be grumpy occasionally and not Miss Positive and Miss Sunshine all the time, for this is difficult sometimes.  I want to throw something now and then, say a little cuss word maybe, drink a whole bottle of wine (just kidding) or run around the house naked (not really for I can’t run anymore).  I want to put on a pretty dress, go out to eat inside the restaurant, and to the movies, not streaming on TV.  Mr. Virus, you are making me into a whole new person, and I kind like the old one. 

Mr. Corona Virus, if this letter offends you, so be it.  I am tired of beating around the bush and people blaming everyone else for our problems - politicians, religious leaders, and other countries.  You have made us into paranoid, selfish hoarders of toilet paper of all things.  I guess the most popular Christmas gift this year will be a six month supply of toilet paper with some bottled water.  Of course you can leave off the water or the toilet paper may not last 6 months. 

Now that I have told you what I think, will you please GO AWAY.  You are not wanted here and please take all the hoarders with you for we don’t need them either.  

As we say in the South, good riddance to bad company and don’t let the door hit you in the backside as you go out the door.

Sincerely,
Frances